Every so often, I like to remind my husband exactly who is boss in this little domestic disaster we call home. I think he thinks it's him. And that's fine. Most of the time, I like to encourage him to think that it's him. I don't like to tell him exactly how long it would take him to die of starvation, unhappiness and the inability to locate his shoes, or keys, or wallet, should I suddenly vanish.
But once in a while, I like him to see things plainly.
Like the other day, he asked me what we were having for dinner. And I said, as cheerfully as I could (because it is one of my slight cop-out dinners) "A spanish OMELETTE!!!" I said it in the exact manner that Kitty suggests that we all go and watch Peppa Pig. ("I know! I know! Less WATS PEPPA PIIIIIIIIIIG!?!?!")
"Oh," he said, "can I not have any potato in my half? I mean, I like potato, but it's not much use to me steamed and then hidden in egg."
"I see," I said. And then that evening as a punishment, almost worthy of Mrs Twit, I set about making him a dinner containing all the things I know hates - celery, walnuts, dill - a recipe for which I just happened to have handily torn out of a magazine, although I'm afraid I don't know which one. I thought it was delicious.
So here we go -
Beetroot and celeriac coleslaw with goat's cheese "croutons"
Serves 4 as a light lunch.
(Sorry I have added that assholish "croutons" thing because it's actually just cheese on toast, but whenever I see that sort of ludicrous marketing caper on a menu it makes me laugh so much that I have vowed to use it here at least once.)
This is an awful lot easier if you have a food processor with a grating attachment, but I did it all by hand and it was perfectly okay and I am pregnant and in a terrible mood so you've got no excuse really.
for the slaw
1 small celeriac
2 sticks celery, de-strung and chopped
2 apples, skin on
2 small raw beetroot, peeled
handful walnuts, chopped
for the dressing
1 large tbsp greek yoghurt
small bunch dill, chopped
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp dijon mustard
1/2 tsp white or red wine vinegar
salt and pepper
the juice and zest of 1 lemon
for the croutons
1 stick baguette or a petit parisienne
2 packs rindless goat's cheese
1 Grate the celeriac and apple and put in a bowlful of cold water with half the lemon juice, to stop it from going brown.
2 Grate the beets and mix with the chopped celery. Then drain the apple and celeriac well and add.
3 Mix together the dressing ingredients and mix into the veg - scatter over some dill leaves and walnuts to serve.
4 Slice the bread on a dramatic vertical and lightly toast one side under the grill, then load the other side with goat's cheese and grill for a few minutes
To his credit, my husband took it all like a man and has not made specific requests about dinner since.